today was a therapy day and sometimes therapy days feel very blurry and very blue [82]
Originally uploaded by (lollo)
This past weekend I cleaned out my car. My trunk had been filled since I moved out of my apartment in March. By the last day of the move I was so tired and frustrated that I just piled things into my trunk and have been practicing avoidance ever since.
When I dug into the mess, I found the book that I read and read and read last year, during the time I was extremely sad about my relationship ending.
I brought it into the house and let it sit by my bed, afraid to open it…afraid to feel all of those things that I felt last year.
I flipped through it last night, reading all of the wrinkled and stained and bent pages that I know by heart by now.
I found this passage:
There’s something you learn once you’re over thirty. You learn that surviving is a matter of putting time between you and what hurt you, that time makes you stronger
and tougher in spite of yourself. When you’re younger, people tell you this but you don’t want to believe them. when you’re older, you take consolation in the fact. I had always wondered if the people who gave up, the ones who turned to razor blades and pill bottles, were the ones who couldn’t hang on another day or week. They were the people who slipped out of the gracious hold of time.
I’ve put a year between myself and what hurt me, and yes, it’s easier.
But sometimes it feels like it just happened.
There is so much truth in that passage.
Let me explain, I have dealt with a great deal of loss in my 40+ years. Most recently, I lost my husband to a tragic accident. It was two years ago this month, and at the time when I was unable to open my swollen eyes, I couldn’t believe that I would ever stop feeling like my heart was slowly being chewed to tiny peices.
People told me that the pain woild lessen some day. I could not believe them, they surley had no idea how painful this was!
Now, a short(?) two years later, I have found love and can walk down the garden with my heart singing. I am able to reflect, at a moment or two and recall the searing pain, but I can also quickly put it behind me. I am a stronger, more confident woman. I am able to love this man completely, and know that I truly deserve to be this happy!!
I am left a little unsure is it is the time that healed me the most, or the new love. At this point, I really don’t need an answer.